Still Blessed.

I cannot attempt to explain how utterly hard it is to not be bitter at this moment in my life. I am trying desperately to remain faithful and hopeful... I would love nothing more to honestly just not worry and let it all go but it's so hard. I feel like my life is just hanging in the balance of something. My mind keeps questioning and wondering if there even is a plan and why would this happen. After all I have done, after the amount of time and effort I had put into my job, after working extremely hard to get to a higher position... not only was it not in the cards for me to get that promotion that I was assuming was mine but also it's not in the cards for me to remain here at all. I can't even explain how much this hurts me, how scared I am of the unknown, and how plain unfair I truly feel this is to me personally.

I hate the way this effects me emotionally, I could have the best weekend ever and wake up feeling positive and great then the next thing I know I'm at work and on the verge of tears at any moment. My back is in knots, I feel sick and not literally but emotionally. My anxiety is killing me slowly and I'm trying my best to stop it but it's like a damn train that won't stop running over me. The only time I feel soothed is in deep breathes but I can't do that all day. I keep trying to lay my life in God's hands as he would want me to but at the same time I know I'm supposed to be proactive and do something. I know that nothing will happen if I don't actually do something, things don't just plop down on your lap out of no where.

There's so many things I want to do that are unrelated to getting a new banking job. I want to get my masters and I'd love to start my own business somehow. I'd love to be one of those 30 year old super self made successful people. I'll still dream about that but for now I just need a break. After all I've done here my vacation was right around the corner next month and now it's postponed maybe indefinitely. I deserved that vacation. How do I not feel like a complete failure right now? How do I not feel like after all the good I've tried to do and all the faith I've had that it's all meaningless? I know I can't let my faith be the source of my resentment but little by little I'm giving in and my head is getting more and more a mess. I'm tired of being my own shoulder to lean on.

I think it's important to focus away from me and my problems and continue to help others... and have faith that can move mountains. I know that God WILL provide. Hardship is normal and expected... not always desired but needed. I do know that I have to remember things I am grateful for. I have a God who is constant, I have loving family that is constant and I have a man who loves me that is constant.

I am still blessed. I am still blessed.