EMDR

Today, as part of my studies as a LMFT I went to my usual personal therapy session...

It was today that I gained clarity and suddenly felt comfort. I had been searching for some time, freedom from something I wasn't truly sure even existed. I had spoken in a previous therapy session of a traumatic event that had been haunting me, that had been lingering in my subconscious and in a way hindering me from feeling. Because of this traumatic event I had been left wounded deeply, afraid of myself and others. It was an event that left me with a certain belief system about myself, that left me thinking I was unable to feel, to trust, or to let go. As we explored this injurious incident I discovered that I had inaccurately processed this moment in my life, I had been left to believe I was worthless, unloveable, without control, weak, and jaded. Similar to the experiences of those with PTSD I too would re-live this experience through triggers and dreams.

It was then that my therapist decided that it may be beneficial to use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This therapy method is somewhat controversial but needless to say it intrigued me. EMDR uses the assumption that after a traumatic event an individual typically does not process their thoughts and emotions about the event accurately and therefore the trauma continues to live in the present. It's effects on their belief system (neural pathways) continues to linger. Our neural pathways are basically channels of thought that are habituated over and over and often cause us to have difficulty creating new thought patterns due to their resonance in the brain. EMDR takes into consideration both right and left brain lateralization to help one process events clearly, move them into memories (the past), and create new neural pathways within the brain.

Anxious at first for having to remember and in a way re-live the trauma, also a bit skeptical, we began this process. I first had to think of a key point, the most traumatic part of my experience and express what emotions I felt and what beliefs I had about myself based off of this moment. I then expressed what beliefs I would like to have, positive ones of course. The main content of my beliefs focused on safety and freedom to express my emotions, breaking down the wall I had built up to protect myself. The therapist then began the side to side movement of her fingers while I held thoughts in mind and followed with my eyes, right and left. After a few minutes she stopped and let me speak about what things came up for me in that time. We did an hour of this and towards the end I began to feel empowered and relieved. I felt like a weight had lifted off my chest and I felt like I could see the beginning of freedom.

Everything seemed more clear, more beautiful, more peaceful. I was happy and relaxed. I have no idea if the EMDR truly worked or if it was more of the placebo effect in which I was hoping it would work. All I do know is that I feel like I am seeing things differently, more positively, more cheerfully, with more admiration and respect. In the last few weeks I had been battling horribly with a cloud of depression, feeling helpless and hopeless. I struggled to move and to do, to care and to be cared for. Many of the thoughts I hold about myself seemed entangled in this past traumatic event or came to a head within its memory. Somehow through successfully reprocessing this event, even just a little, I began to see that the thoughts I'd like to have are possible.

It's days like this when I feel rejuvenated and feel able, when I feel driven and remember my passion. It is the passion to help others feel what I am feeling now, free. The confidence to be capable, able, and ready to move forward despite the horrors from the past. I went to class today and forgot for a moment about the worries I had been living in, I thought of others and gave to others. I remembered Christ and I thought with a level mind.

I can't say why as humans we do what we do, think what we think or why we allow ourselves to be beaten by ourselves but I do know that sometimes it takes another human to care, to listen, to help in order for us to realize that we have the power within to care, to listen, to help ourselves.

I am blessed by the people in my life, all of which are not here by mistake. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to be a light to others and to see a lights in others. Though discouragement and disappointment often overshadow my hopes for tomorrow I will not succumb. The power I have is greater that the power of the darkness and the sorrow that lingers.

At the end of the day I would definitely recommend EMDR as method is resolving negative thought patterns and as a catalyst for creating positive ones :)