Over the past 3 months I have taken a sabbatical from writing or blogging. I guess as much as I'd like to say I haven't been doing a lot of thinking that wouldn't be accurate, I've been doing a lot of thinking about not thinking. Needless to say it really hasn't worked out that well. I quit my job in July and the adjustment to a jobless life has been difficult. I've finally learned to relax and let go of the expectations of others that so greatly influenced my life before. It has been difficult to be without a job seeing as though having a job held a great sense of identity for me. I had made the tough decision to leave my work as I realized that it wasn't where I wanted to be, where I was meant to be and I felt conflicted as I had just begun my Masters in Psychology. It was after I became a graduate student that my heart felt torn and I began to fully develop an inner voice continually leading me down a certain path. It wasn't until my most recent trip overseas and the much needed time spent with family that I've come to the blunt realities about myself and about the life I aspire to have.
The balance I am not creating is due to the natural balance of my journey. The dysfunction that I became surrounded with began to unravel and I can clearly see how the story of my life has been the story of my choices. I alone create the balance. We are our own worst enemy and our only best advocate. The doubt and confusion I placed upon myself was exactly that, placed upon myself. Over the past three months I had been afraid to commit, not only to my relationship fully but to myself. I was afraid of what that might mean and how I would not have full control of any of it. COntrol... what a silly idea. When I think of the concept of control I now think of the Serenity Prayer. After a few months of this Masters program I have begun to see the importance of putting myself first, instead of being obligated to everyone and everything else I now am obligated to myself. Not only that but somethings had to change and the only way they were going to change was if I decided to change them myself.
Like letting go of a loved one that passed on I had difficulty letting go of things that needed to be put to rest. Relationships with people that were not beneficial to create a beneficial relationship with myself, deciding to stay in instead of go out and fill my mind with mindlessness, and finding peace amidst the chaos of my thoughts. Coping. I am learning to cope. In the end that's all I was really missing, a way to habitually cope with life in a healthy manageable way. Letting go of the obligations and expectations of others and only owning up to my own.
Knowing what your life means to you, knowing what you want... the key to it all. Since being obligated to myself some of my most important relationships are flourishing and the loose ends are being mended respectfully.
I think we forget with all the nonsense we shroud ourselves with just how meaningful we are, how meaningful our lives can be, and how meaningful we are to each other. You can't be happy if you aren't emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy. All of which revolve around each other and decisions are the substance of all three. It was said once that,"indecision is a decision in itself" and indecision about your life leads to illness. We decide our happiness, our relationships, our actions, our consequences and most importantly our reactions to other's actions.
I've come to realize and truly believe that life is short, there's no time to do nothing and there's no time not to love yourself. I admit that for a long time I chose not to love myself, finding so many reasons to sabotage the outcomes of my indecision but once I stood up for myself and loved myself unconditionally peace inevitably followed. There are times in my life when I literally fail to see the bigger picture. When those times come I was hope to get to the point in which I ask myself "what is God trying to teach me?". In a way it brings me back to feeling grounded and today I got to that point. Humility, patience, love, hope, trust... in myself and others.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow or 10 years from now. I don't know what job I will have next, how much money I will make, what type of therapist I'll be but I know where I aspire to be and the person I will become. It only gets better from here and when it's not I'm okay with that because it always gets brighter.
James 1:19
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger...
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