PS. The title explains my love for peanut butter and my hate for burnt bread. Like this email...
So here is life. As I sit and force myself into a contemplative state. My mind is mess, a wreck, a jumbled word scramble, do not pass go do not collect $200. Best expressed in a manic, chaotic mind frame with a hint of depression and a touch of exploration. Mmmm... enjoy.
So school has me completely going in one direction, alive, insightful, wishing I was more energetic but surprisingly very much on task. Then work has me in a completely other state of being stressed out, fatigued, anxious, annoyed, and completely discouraged. Then family life has me saddened by Hannah's move. I get a lump in my throat even entertaining the idea, I'd rather live in denial over that one. So I'll just move past it all together. I don't want to face that reality whatsoever. Not one bit and so I won't. Next topic! There's the whole issue of other family dilemmas like my dad and his new wife, my mom who doesn't know about his new wife... who is alone and sad and in need of support of which I do not have the time or mental capacity to fill. Then there's my relationship... whole other source of anxiety and confusion. So basically the first paragraph sums up my life experience as present.
I can see clearly two things. One - something has to change and two - fast.
So what must change. I believe it is obvious by looking at my journal from the past 5 months that I need out of my job. As my job has really been the motivating factor in deciding to get back into school, now in school, I've realized how much I want to devote to the reality of my future. I don't like feeling stuck, I don't care for the anxiousness that is pulling me to MOVE! It's time for this change and it will be good. I look forward to it, I embrace it. It's time to move past this stage in my life as a banker. It was nice while it lasted but now it's time to be a counselor. It's time to take responsibility for my passion, for my life, and for the person I am to become.
This new step will lead me to quit my job within the next three months as I am devoted to finding a paid internship that will provide me not only the experience I need but the hours I need to complete my licensing as a MFT. It is only natural and it won't be easy. But I can handle struggle, sacrifices, and anxiety when it is something that involves me moving forward towards my goal. AMEN to that.
In the words of Fredrick Nietsche "what does not kill me, makes me stronger", I'd have to add smarter too... :o)
Anyway to share a little bit about what my days have been looking like...
I wake up at 6-7am every morning leave the house by 7:45am to get to work by 8:45am (yes like an hour drive from where I live) then work my ass off all day with no breaks only lunch (only to be criticized, compared, pushed to sell, and being micromanaged while also expected to deal with everyone else's issues) then get off work at 5:30pm only to have to figure out if I'd like to workout (which I never have enough energy to do) or spend time with a family member (which I never have enough time to do) or drive an hour home right away. THEN on Tuesday and Thursday nights I have to leave work early (with the fear of it being an issue with management or the fear of that last minute hour long customer in my chair) to get to school by 5:30pm and have class till 10pm then drive an hour home. Meanwhile, I work almost every Saturday try to fit in relationships, friendships, family, working out, and me time in between and usually just on Sunday (cause it's the only day available for anything) when all I really wanna do is sleep for 24 hours. I AM DRAINED. I need help.
I have to figure this out. What to do to make time, to change the way this pattern looks. I've tried positive thinking and yes it works but it still doesn't take away the fact that I'm running myself into the grave. Oh, did I mention that I've picked up an obsessive case of nicotine addiction and drinking just to pass out? Hahahaa, not really that bad but I'm not taking care of myself like I should and I know that. I eat horrifically, I live off energy drinks, and peanut butter toast.
Ah the day when I look back at this genuinely honest self disclosing negative email and laugh because it will have been all worth it. Right?
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