God is Great.

Here is my fortune for the day according to Tarot.com which happens to be on my igoogle page :o) Thought I would share:

"Don't let someone bully you into doing more than you can, for you might take on other people's concerns too easily now. Offering to help another person out of a bind is certainly admirable, but he or she could expect too much from you, and over-committing can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. You can still show your compassion; just remember that you cannot save anyone else unless you also save something for yourself."

(why can't I change colors on my blog text, I can only bold and italicize?)

So I have officially moved back home. The first couple days were literally gut wrenching, most likely because not only did I feel as though I was moving backwards in life but I was also having to leave my apartment, Brandon, and Gunner. I won't go into all of the details of my relationship issues but basically we both needed to move apart in order to better understand ourselves. Unfortunately, living together in my opinion was probably not the right choice for us so early into the relationship. I learned my lesson there, I guess I was just hoping to be the exception but it turns out we were the rule (of thumb) so to speak. I can honestly say that I won't be living with anyone until I am 101% sure I will be marrying them and I am engaged to be married. Anyway, Brandon and I are still close and still care for one another. We shall see what the future will bring. As for now it is important for us both to learn how to be confident doing the things that need to be done for ourselves, we both have been in one serious relationship after another for a long time and I think it will be beneficial to be secure single for a while. We both still have a lot on our plate as far as career obligations as well.

I know it will be hard, especially when we did everything together. Lived together, saw each other everyday, shared everything, even animals. But I know that I needed to do things for myself for once before I took care of someone else for the rest of my life. Ever since my family has moved back to the states I have been responsible for very important things which overwhelmed me to the point in which I could not even sufficiently take care of myself. I acted as a husband to my mother and father to my sister as my dad lived overseas and we dealt with my sister's eating disorder. She was very troubled emotionally and went through two stints in rehab, it was very difficult for us as a family and that's an understatement. Not only that, I had began to make very poor choices in relationships. I dated a guy for two years that was for lack of a better word, an ass. Finally I wanted to move out! But... my parents wanted Hannah and I to live together. Secretly I knew that it was my parent's way of keeping tabs on Hannah through me and they knew I would take care of her. So... I lived with her in all her crazy glory. Believe me she was a handful back then, I played both parents combined. We lived together for a while and eventually moved into a smaller apartment to save money. It just got worse. Finally Hannah started seeing Shane and I started dating Brandon.

Eventually our lease was up at the same time Shane's roommates where moving out as well as Brandon's. Since Brandon had the biggest place we decided to all move in together at his apartment. I still took care of things but now Brandon also took care of Hannah and Shane's stuff as well. Lol. Needless to say we were two opposite couples and even though we loved each other didn't live well together. Soon Hannah became pregnant and they decided to move out together by themselves. Brandon and I were left with a three bedroom apartment we couldn't afford so we moved into a new place. We have now lived together for a year total. We lived with each other solely for the past 6 months. I have felt like I have gone from taking care of one person to another without a break. Don't get me wrong, I love taking care of people but I have never had a break to take care of myself! Again, I know that you can take care of yourself and others at the same time but it would be nice to feel like I don't have additional stress to my own. I think that's only fair.

When I first moved my bed over to my mom's I sat on the floor sobbing incessantly, hyperinventilating and panicking. I prayed and prayed for God to give me peace, strength, and wisdom and I wondered why it hadn't come. I guess he gave me a mourning period instead :) and then blessed with me peace. I know in my heart moving back home was meant to be. I am okay with it. I am happy with myself, my situation, my space, my responsibilities, my life. My mom has been wonderful and I know I will be better able to see my nephew and babysit when needed. I CANNOT WAIT!

Miss Maci lives with me now too. Her first day was hard for me because she hid under my bed the whole time. I told her that she better get her head out of her behind and start acting herself or it was gonna take me even longer to get used to this new situation. The next day she was roaming around like she owned the place. LOL. She sleeps by my side every night, she hangs out with me in the bathroom when I'm getting ready for bed or getting ready for work. She lays in the hallway waiting and watching me as I get ready and do random things in my room. She's happy, I'm happy :o)

It's also been very nice to not have to worry about every little thing I do and wonder if someone is not happy with me, or is jealous, or angry, or sad... or questioning me or disappointed. It's nice to have friends who are there to be with and understand if I wanna just hangout by myself at home. It's nice to be free to sleep all day on the weekend if I want, answer my phone when I want, enjoy some quality time with myself in thought, writing, reading... worrying about me.

I thank God everyday for all his amazing blessing in my life and how he always shows me the way, he has never failed me. He never will. I know he hears my prayers and I know he leads me to the path which is right for my life. Faith is awesome and so is God's will even when it's rough :)

How lucky am I that the Creator of all the world hears me, cares about me, wants to help me, and wants me to call on Him?! How lucky am I that he has a plan for my life which is greater than anything I could want for myself!