To Own.

I am seriously contemplating never being married. My parent's divorce is horrifying to me and as of this very moment making me sick. I am so easily overwhelmed and to watch your parent's slowly whither under the wieght they have created for themselves is hard. To be in the middle whether they know it or not. To constantly watch your mom lose herself, to watch her break down so weak, so sad. I think it's one of the hardest things to watch, other than watching your sister slowly killing herself. Then again, it feels as though my mother is slowly doing the same thing but in a different manner. There are so many pains in this world, so many worse things. I should not mourn, I should not cry... but yet I do. I cannot lie and say that I am not in pain daily, on the verge of tears. Some days my tears are nothing more than a buildup in my eyes that slowly fades, some days they are little trickles of salty pain that run down my cheeks briefly, and other days they are like heavy rain pouring to the ground. I break down on my knees sobbing and confused. I feel helpless. I cannot lie and say that I understand the things that happen and why they do. I do know that I overanalyze everything by nature and many days I simply must force myself to stop thinking. This is how I feel and I am tired of feeling bad for feeling this way. I am owning these thoughts now because they are mine, as twisted, strange, confusing as they may be. I am tired of feeling guilty for not feeling the way others want me to feel.