11:44am on Saturday.

"I'd rather die on my feet then live a life on my knees."

It is Saturday morning and I am sitting, twiddling my thumbs at work, how I usually can be found on Saturday mornings. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, deep thoughts as Jack Handy would say. Have you ever had those moments when you know you are going somewhere in life but you just aren't sure where, or when you feel as though there's something else out there waiting for you, it's just not the right time to discover it yet. I guess it's a feeling of anticipation, a little excitement, but mostly concern. It's hard to let go of control and fully trust in God's plan... but if I didn't have the strength to trust in his Will in my life, then there would really be NO WAY I would get through anyway! I won't go into all of my deconstructed, unorganized ranting and ravings on the way I feel currently because most obviously this is a public blog for all eyes to see... but I am feeling a bit like a wanderer.

It's as if my nomad roots have caught up with me again as they seem to do every year at some point. It's that time when I feel restless, when I need to explore... I think sometimes I probably sound crazy. Last night I was trying to explain it to Brandon and I most likely sounded drunk. LOL. Every year, sometimes twice a year since I was 3 years old my family and I have traveled for months at a time. When we lived in Texas, every winter and summer we would travel back to California to visit with family. When we moved to Thailand, every winter and summer we would travel back to Texas AND California to visit with friends and family. Not only that, but sometimes we would travel to other countries just to visit more friends... My life really hasn't changed at all from those days other than the fact that I'm no longer an expat. Every summer since I have moved back to the states I hop on a plane to travel around the world. I've probably been on more planes then I can count but never seem to see ENOUGH of the world!!!!

In any case, it is always about summer time that I have the "itch"... the urge to do what I've always done. To see something new, see something grand... amazing, different, unique, scary, interesting. It's like a weird addiction... I usually get this feeling about two times a year. Usually around summer and winter... and little moments in between. It kinda sucks because in the real world you can't just get your stuff and jet around to where you want... but Oh how I wish I could. It doesn't matter if I just go to the Mountains, somewhere on the coast, another state, another country. Just somewhere. I get nervous about this addiction I seem to have, I wonder if it will be like this forever. The more I go the more I want to go! The more I have to sit the more restless I become and need the unknown.

What's really weird is my love/hate relationship with the "unknown". All growing up I hated it! I hated it so much because it meant from one year to the next I had no idea where we would be moving, where we would be, whether my family would still be together. NOW... I have an unhealthy appetite for crazy uncertainty. Change and I have made a truce and we seem to get along rather well ;o) Then again, maybe it's not that change has become more appealing but that I for once have actually gained a bit of control. I unfortunately still do not have all the control I desire (financially) that is but that is where my faith and hard work comes in.

Ok, so this blog entry came out of absolutely no where... I just started typing what the little voice in my psyche was whispering and I guess that's what needed to come out.

On another note, I look forward to leaving work today (as I again feel insufficient). I'm going to run some errands, head to the gym to release some frustration, clean the house, and then grab Thai food with Brandon and my mom.

They say home is where the heart is... but what can you do when your heart is sometimes in many places at once...