I wrote this a while back and every so often I actually take time out to re-read things I have written. I am constantly surprised by my thoughts, many times my writings seem to be straight from the unconscious and stand as clear advice and encouragement for the future... that is my blessing.
"Wisdom is knowing I am nothing,
Love is knowing I am everything,
and between the two my life moves."
So as I do from time to time, I was thinking about my life and what has led me to where I am now. I think all of us at one point or another find ourselves almost at a dead calm state, drifting in and out of reality, almost as if questioning everything, merely trying to find ourselves at this new point in our voyage. These are the moments that are either the hardest or the most useful.
As I look back at my childhood, growing up in Texas I sometimes wonder what it would have been like now if were to have never moved from Austin to Bangkok. I most certainly would have been a much different person but ultimately still a deep soul. I think of Thailand often and miss it at times. Thailand resembles my home away from home, where I grew up in tremendous ways, and was strongest in my faith, and broken down everyday. At times I find myself wondering where did my faith, my strength in Christ, my clear mindedness go?
I've always been different from most others after returning to the States, I never really did belong. Not many could understand the ex-pat way of life, where I came from, what I'd seen, and the types of people I had encountered. So, I pushed it away to try to acclimate to a new way of life. I've been digging it back up ever since. I travel back overseas every chance I get because it's a longing in my heart to always reconnect with the traveler's existence. Life really is an up and down battle of strength, weakness, letting go, giving in, and pushing past the world. I believe with all my heart that God will only give us what He knows we can handle. I think some get thrown more obstacles than others, but only as a gift as crazy as that sounds. He wants us to grow, learn, and understand his glory, mercy, and forgiveness.
We are all meant to fall away from God in order to know him better, some of us more than others. Some of us never truly discover who He really is and what His presence in our lives creates. Simply writing it has never seemed to encompass his importance or power in my life. The last three years of my life have been a struggle of finding myself; I've made a few mistakes, burned a lot of bridges, and made a lot of new choices. Despite the abuse, those who ripped my soul into shreds, and the confusion of right and wrong… I'm happily broken in love and peace. Two years ago I got rid of relationship that I thought meant everything, only to see that I had really missed out on "me". It was this relationship that ultimately left me at ground zero, gave me a new experience, and a better understanding of the importance of a healthy relationship. I'm not quite sure what I had lost in that relationship but I needed God's hand to pull me out. Looking back on those times I find myself realizing that it was meant for me at that time so that I could now appreciate the loved ones I have now. Mistakes are so much more beautiful when we see the bigger picture.
But through the pain of letting go, moving on, alone… I had so much on my plate, so much to take care of all on my own. Instead of turning to another shoulder I used my own. Things always seem to change and without someone to hold it's hard to stay above the crashing tides. I felt as though the past couple of years I'd been bobbing as the waters of my life crashed down on me. With my parent's divorcing, my dad still living overseas and taking care of my sister and her troubles, it's been difficult to see myself through the difficulties.
Luckily I still have this foundation of which I know not where from. I am so grateful that someone decided to create and instill within me the love for Christ. It's a funny thing, no matter how many times I fall away and go my own way, the longing for God is always lingering. Sometimes I choose to ignore it because I feel like I have too many other things to think about that I cannot take time to pray, to praise. But it never fails, when I acknowledge my need for Him… I am fulfilled. All the moments I've had restless, resentful, bitter, confused, and sad seem to fade away and it's beautiful. All the sins I have engaged in turn to ashes and blow away, all the pain others have caused in my life are forgotten and forgiven. I know I cannot make it on my own and His justice, His mercy, His love is what gets me through. He gives me a clear mind, even though it may take time and even though I may not have evident signs… He still hears my cries and answers my prayers. I have never felt more peace, more love, joy, and absolute wonder than when I am talking with God.
I cannot express as I have said before how wonderful it is to know that God hears me, that he knows me like no one else, and that he knows the right path for me and will lead me straight there. I give it all to Him every chance I get, and what doesn't want to part with me I ask that He tears it away. What a reassuring feeling to know that I can't go wrong in His will. And I am no longer worried. Everything fades away and the only thing that is left is the reality that Christ is what is important, in the end he's the only reason I breathe.
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