North Star

A step in the right direction is better than no step at all.

Stagnant, afraid, uncertain... that's how I've felt the last year. I tried to ignore these feelings because I have a stable, secure, well paying job... because I have been trying to believe I could make a life for myself doing exactly what I've been doing. But the truth of the matter is when you aren't being true to yourself and who you are, you cannot diligently, lovingly, and happily do your job efficiently with dedication. Don't get me wrong I will always work hard, ethically, with people's best interests at heart and with a conviction to do my job well. However, I do believe that if you do something you enjoy or at least enjoy your work you will do it better, you will be more successful, and you will be more likely to wake up content in your own skin.

Many times I admit that I was disillusioned by the idea that one should "follow their heart" but if there's one thing I've learned from a wise man it is that you MUST follow your heart and not in the romanticized unrational way but in the logical, natural, divine sense of the phrase. I have never strayed away from the idea that everything happens for a reason. I believe wholeheartedly it does and that not only includes the obvious but also the subconscious. I've always considered myself a very spiritual person and I constantly fight that about myself because I cannot always understand it. I do understand, however, that God is within me and works through me. I understand that God wants the best for me and also instills in me my values and my unconscious desires for his Will. I definitively believe that this path I am about to set in motion is not only necessary for the sanity of my heart but also for the full establishment of the person I am to become, the person God wants for me to be.

I've learned in the last week that change is inevitable but not necessary for me to be whole. Inconsistency and the unknown have been my childhood and my life for many years and in that I see it relived in many of my past decisions. Analyzing myself I know that I am afraid of the unknown yet I continue to create it. In the same way a person hates an abusive parents but becomes one themselves. I know it's an argument that may seem extreme but what I am trying to say is that instead of creating this inconsistency again I am pursing a dream that will remain constant. A dream that has been consistent in my mind since High School and has never left. One I need to accomplish and I am destined to finish and fulfill.

I have no clue what the future holds nor do I know if it will be exactly what I imagine but I do know it will be difficult and it will be worth it. I know what I'm good at and what I love to do and I'm so excited to do it. My dream is to finish school and have a career in psychology, not only that I look forward to being able to teach what I know best to others who want to learn it. I do feel as though I've fallen off track by a few years but what's done is done. Now I'll have to work my butt off to go for the gold. My gold. Not everyone's plan is the same nor does it always seem like the optimal plan for everyone but if you're content with your decisions and you make them rightly and remain to true to yourself you'll never go to sleep with a regret for what could have been.

I will be successful in this and I will make a difference.